Bombay Fornicator

The Brits had a strange way of naming things in official jargon. For example, in the army, we had an Officer’s Office Chair which was inventoried as Chair, Officer’s Office. That is, last name, comma, first name. Just as David Atkinson is Atkinson, David.

Years ago, in those beautiful days when Pakistan Railways ran its cocksure way proudly across the length and breadth of the country, I rode trains just for the fun and adventure of it. Of course, there had been an earlier period in the Seventies when I rode trains out of necessity. There was hardly a working line in the 1980s that I did not travel on and scarcely a rest house or railway station waiting room where I had not tarried – even if there was no need to tarry.

I just loved the ambience: the high ceilings, the antiquated fans that churned around slowly, the question mark-shaped light fixtures with their blue and white enamel shades, and the furniture. My favourite item was the chair listed on the inventory – and every waiting room and rest house had an inventory – as Chair, Long Arm. This unique piece of furniture which is now seen in every country where the Brits went is also known as Planter’s Chair. Imagine a sugar cane plantation, a house with verandas, sahib in ash-gray cottons lounging on one of these in the shade with a gin and tonic.

It is a great piece of furniture with a reclining back and longish seat flanked by two extra long arms that extended about sixty centimetres beyond the edge of the seat. The angle of the recline and the long seat gave the user the facility of either sitting or reclining in it. The extra long arms were especially useful for a long-distance traveller tarrying at the waiting room between trains.

The long arms served to rest a single cup/glass of beverage or even a full meal tray while the traveller partook seated on the edge of the chair. And then, done with the food and refreshment, one could simply slide back into the chair and put one’s feet up. Now, here began the tricky business.

Men with their pants on could place both legs on the same arm or one leg on either arm for a siesta. I have spent dozens of hours trying out both positions and I can assure you that with both legs on the same arm, the one under the other goes numb after a while. But if you have legs spread out, that’s a very comfortable slumbering position. However, if you’re wearing shorts, well, in that case sleeping with the crotch wide open might be an exhibition of anatomy no one may want to see – especially in the event of a shortage of underwear.

No, I’m not even going to speak on what would happen with ladies of the Raj in their dainty dresses.

In one situation while one officer of the Raj rested with his legs apart another, very likely a bit of a rake and a wit, would have walked in through the door and instantly hit upon the term Fornicator for what was until then Chair, Long Arm. And since Bombay was the fun place in the subcontinent, it became Bombay Fornicator.

However, when I tweeted an image of the chair, I learned that it has also been known as Roorkee Fornicator. Incidentally, Roorkee in central India is home to that premium Thomason (no typo) College of Civil Engineers (established 1853) that supplied many an able engineer to the great railway network of the Indian subcontinent. Hence, the connection with this city.

From the tweets after I posted the image, it appeared that some people actually connected it with the sex act. I assure you that a Scottish friend and I in those far off days of the 1990s made what they called in the army ‘dry runs’ on the Fornicator and came to the conclusion that one had to be either a first-rate gymnast with an elastic spine or a masochist who drew pleasure from a sprained back to attempt what the Bombay Fornicator invited one to attempt.

Now, all North Western Railway Waiting Rooms had a set of eleven rules in a wood and glass frame. Rule Number 11 stated, in block capitals too: ‘LADIES’ WAITING ROOMS ARE RESERVED FOR THE EXCLUSIVE USE OF LADY PASSENGERS. GENTLEMEN ARE NOT ALLOWED TO ENTER.’ (I know this piece because one of those ancient frames hangs in my home.)

Being such a gentleman I never entered a ladies’ waiting room and have no idea if those too contain the Fornicator. But since men and women were not permitted to mingle in the waiting rooms, the title of the Bombay or Roorkee, take your pick, Fornicator, can only be the fancy of a rake and a wit.

All that having been said, there is the thought that Chair, Long Arm, aka the Bombay or Roorkee Fornicator, could be very handy in the event of an emergency delivery.

By the way, if gentlemen were not permitted to enter the ladies’ waiting room what about the lout who needs no permission for anything he does?